Welcome to my Enigma 
The Downward Spiral
Fell into deep depression, excessive sleep, sobbing over nothing at all.
It effects your relationships, your job, everything in your life.
Since I have been experiencing this I have missed 4 days of
work, had countless arguments with my boyfriend and my sister.
I have also had episodes of paranoia. Thinking people were plotting against me.
Do you have any idea what it is like to know you are reacting a certain
extremely, outrageous way and knowing you can do nothing to stop it.
Its like watching yourself in a dream and you have to let it play out
intil it is done.
This is the dark side of Bipolar, in my case anyway. I can not speak for anyone else experiencing this,
this downward spiral to nowhere.
These are somethings I wrote the weekend in August.
Maybe it will give you a glimpse of what I am like when I am on the downward spiral.
"Ever find yourself in a downward spiral and you don't know why.....and there is no way out.
You just have to ride it out. Let it run its course........on what ever journey it takes you.
There is nothing you can do. That is where I am at sometimes.
Alone, scared, tears overflow for no reason."
By Bipolar Angel
Battle
"The battle has begun when I didnt even know there was a fight.
My invisible foe fighting with all its might.
How do I fight what I cant see, Why am I not as strong as I use to be.
Are you some kind of test, in the end to make me better then the rest?
Have you always been there, hidden deep, me unaware?
The battle is unfair, you attack what I fear, I dont even have the time to dress
in fighting gear.
Although I am starting to feel you, you making your presence known, my hands
start shaking, the lump in my stomach has grown.
Will I ever beat you and make you go away?
Make you give me back my life, my life of its own way."
By Bipolar Angel
Lost
"I have lost my sense of humor. I have lost my sense of fun.
What happened to that girl you fell in love with? Where did she go?
Will she ever come back? Was she ever really there?
Was she just my imagination, my wishful thinking?
You walk on eggshells and I hate that. Why is this happening??
What is happening?
Dont keep things from me. I really hate that.
I dont understand what is going on inside me. I dont want to be like this anymore.
I cant make it stop. I want it to go away. I dont want to be sad anymore.
I want you to hold me. I dont want you to be afraid of me.
Know one understands this. I don't either. Why do I cry? There are so many
great things going on in my life that I should be happy but sometimes Im not.
I want it to go away. Why is this happening to me?
I use to be fun once. Now Im miserable and I don't know why.
Confusion, illusion. Wounds that will not heal? Wounds from what?
I feel like Im going to lose everything I have because of this.
What have I done? Am I being punished?
By Bipolar Angel
The following pages I have tracked the things I have experienced
over that last few months since January 2001.
I will keep time pages updated as the months drift by.
| home About Me | Bipolar | The High Time | The Downward Spiral | January-February 2001 | March-April 2001 | May-June 2001 | July 2001 | August 2001 | September 2001 | October 2001 | November 2001 | The Psychiatrist | Second Psychiatrist Visit | The Therapist | Second Therapist Visit | Music | Links and E-mail