Welcome to my Enigma
 July 2001
Well July has hit and  the weather  is HOT outside.
I kind have coasted through July though.  A few mood swings here and there.
Mostly being taken by my boyfriend...poor guy.

We went on a vacation.  We went to the state where my boyfriend
comes from...you know...to visit friends and family.
I was kind of nervous to go.  What if someone said something and
it set me off.  What if I started with the tears again?
 A friend that I have there asked me what was wrong.
I had not told her about this yet. Out of curiosity I ask her why she asked.
She said I seemed......Guarded...not my usually bubbly self.
I was guarded.  I was afraid of have an episode right there
in front of his family and friends.  Right then I began telling her
what I had been going through.


I have noticed that I have become more critical of things.
Not all the time...every once in a while.
I have also noticed that sometimes I want to pick a fight
with my boyfriend.  I really do not know why.  I can not control it either.
He has become good at catching my moods and when they start.
He is learning to deflect them, to get a hold of me, and to calm me.
Some instances take longer than others to calm.
He gets so frustrated though. I can see it in his eyes.
Not at me...but at the fact that other than holding me tightly as the
episode rides itself out...there is nothing else he can really do.

I want this to go away.
People are walking on egg shells around me.
Watching their words.


I spent another weekend in tears.  I dont even remember why now.
This is when I decided that the medical doctors were not helping me.
This is when my sister told me about a mental health
clinic in our area.  The thought of it made me shudder, hense the stigma.
Did I really need to see a mental health specialist?

I went down to the clinic.  I explained everything to the case worker down there.
She set me up with a psychyatrist and a therapyst.  
My first appointments were yet to come.

NO sleep still.  But TONS of energy.  I woke up one saturday
with unlimited energy.  I gave the dog a bath, cleaned my house,
mowed the lawn.  Wow, the upward high can be very helpful.
Even my mood seemed better.

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